I am nineteen. Everyone in my life has used, abandoned and abused me. I have no clear mindset or destination. Most of the things that I have held true in my mind, body and heart have turned out to be nothing but collective lies, figments of my imagination. I have no sense of faith or home. I have never wanted to be this alone, distant, unloved. Nothing that I can do can change my past. I really feel like I lost the better half of myself quite some time ago. My life affords me just enough happiness to keep me from depression. I am what I am and I need to learn some kind of control. I have lived too long without control. I have destroyed myself, emotionally and physically, for as long as my memory is capable of recalling. Moreover, I have contributed to the destruction of everyone and everything around me. I am a fuck up, but, I am what I am. I let things come and I let things go with little to no regard at all. I am learning to live without expectation and desire. I want my life to surround the completion and satisfaction of my goals. I'd give half of my life to hear someone say they are proud of me, respect me, honor me, appreciate me. I have never experienced epiphany or realization until you came into my life. I cannot count the number of things that I regret on my own two hands. And I don't know if there will ever be anything that can make up for all of my regret. But, I am hopeful. That everything will be fine, allright, okay, better. I've always had my head up in the clouds that maybe one day I could forget all of these troubles. Sometimes I think that I should know better than that by now. I panic, most days, because I don't know if I will ever be able to love myself, or anyone, ever again. I don't know what I want or how to acheive it in any way. Then, I think of running away. To somewhere I know nothing about. To somewhere no one would know me. If I had one wish, it'd be believing forever. I have never considered myself to be the lucky type &I never really will. I generally lose anything that is or was important to me at some point in my life &I have come to terms with myself that this is the way that my life will continue. I grew up way too fast; I never valued my childhood. For ten long, blind years I have walked away from my dreams. What's hard is knowing you've got people that you care about so fucking much and you have nothing to give them. I'm in the same mood when I brush my teeth, meet somebody new, or when I take a shit. As quickly as you enter my life, I can take you out of it. My achievements are not impressive or relevant. I live logically &I am not afraid of being unhappy. I do not live for music and music did not save my life. The person you think you love is the same as everyone else. I want to forget everything that I have ever learned through relationships with human beings. Relationships with my parents, my sister, past boyfriends, friends, past friends, acquaintances, everyone. I want to start over and only keep ones that offer some type of understanding.